Family matters

20110616-092914.jpg

… My dad shouted at me that he will become homeless in a couple of months time and it will be my fault because I didn’t want to give him a power of attorney to complete registration in my name of the 1/3 of our Moscow flat. My mother cried “at me” that no one returns her deep love and that if I give the power of attorney to my father so I should give it to her as well because otherwise it would be taking sides and I promised I not to

How is it that it is all my fault? They failed in their marriage, they carry a lot of pain, fear and totally unresolved issues with their own parents and each other

I can’t take sides – I love them both – I don’t want to pick my favorite parent because I want two parents not one, don’t they understand?

My mother doesn’t want to co-own the property with me that she could buy if I split my third of the flat between both of them. What ever the good reasons in her head there are, to me it says only one thing “I don’t want anything to do with you” My dad wants to buy a flat with his and mine third and co-own it with me. These are the facts and they are not dramatic or particularly painful but it is impossible for me to make a move because any movement can only be away from one of the parents

I can not do it, I am sorry both of you are asking too much of me. You hate each other but I love you both.

It’s been going for a year now but a simple thought hasn’t crossed their minds, none of them said to me “it doesn’t matter love, you should do what you feel comfortable with. We messed it up with each other, it’s not your fault and not yours to suffer the consequences. At the end of the day, we will still have each other and there always be a way.” They don’t care about relationships about feelings and about love, they are too frightened of their own future, they feel lonely and weak and I feel responsible, guilty and deeply unhappy. I live in constant fear that one of them might die just so they can punish me – a very irrational thought and a vivid proof of poor attachment (may be that is why I am so obsessed with taking care of my sons’ attachment to me). All I can think of at the end of every single conversation with any of them is that he/she might commit suicide. It doesn’t matter if one of them does it in the end because I already took responsibility and guilt … Both of them only put requests to me and seem oblivious or ok with the way this situation makes me feel… I totally don’t matter! (saying this makes me feel selfish) and because I feel guilty towards my parents I always feel worthy a punishment from my own children.
My rational self knows that I am pretty normal daughter, my irrational self “knows” that I failed my parents, I made them lonely and unhappy and fearful, I have not provided for them and have not taken care of them (not that any of it would be a child’s role) and hence my punishment will come with my sons turning on me and betraying me and living me old, poor and lonely. I am so afraid of this actually happening for real that I constantly talk about it and I picture it in my head when I put my sons to bed. When they smile at me and hug me, very often all I can feel is fear and endless sadness because I “know” that one day it will end and they will turn on me how I turned on my parents… (unfortunately it doesn’t help at all that I actually logically know what a load of rubbish it is)

I am nearly forty, my parents have been separated or divorced for over 15 years now… Would you believe it?

People out there, please don’t hate each other once you’ve stopped loving each other, at least if you have children, it fucking hurts!

Sent from my iPhone

Advertisements

What do YOU think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s